It's so late it's early and I should be sleeping.

"zoom! - what was that? -"

"That was your life mate."

"Do I get another?"

"No sorry that was your lot"

A friend offered comforting words on the topic of death this evening and I must admit the conversation left me feeling somewhat terrified. Why do I fear death?Or rather, why do I fear death now? I can remember a time when I didn't. I think the idea that terrifies me is that my death is predetermined and definite. It is inevitable that one day (unbeknown to me) I will cease to exist. Of course, I know this and I've always known this, but it never fails to perplex me. Does this knowledge make my actions, thoughts, feelings and experiences hold greater weight? I suppose they are the things that will define my life. Or does it make them as light as air, holding no great significance in the grand scheme of things? I'll be remembered as something of the past in the mind of those left behind, and then eventually as they too cease to exist so will their memory and I will die a second death. Nothing left of me at all, not even the memory. It'll be like I never existed. I am not scared of ceasing to exist. I've done it before. I have 'not existed' before my birth...and that wasn't so scary. I am scared of confronting death and realizing I don't want to die; Not being ready when it arrives. How horrible to get kicked out of the party when you just started dancing.

I don't believe in a Heaven or Hell. It does not make sense to me and never has because it provides me no comfort. I'd like to believe in reincarnation. I'd like to think that I've done this before and I'll do this again and that the familiar feelings and deja-vu that sometimes grab me are a part of something greater, something that's happened before. And that the people I care about in this life have been with me before and will be with me again, even if I don't remember.

Yeah, so no Monty Python schmaltz for me. I'm coming back for another round. Maybe try something different. Maybe come back as an animal. A cool one, like a whale...or a sloth! Yeah, sloths seem like they have pretty sweet lives.